The Founding of Hogwarts
by d3pr3ss3dNhappy
Summary: During their third year at Hogwarts Harry fiddles with Hermione's time turner and accidentally sends them all back to when Hogwarts was founded! Includes a vicious eating contest.
1. Why you shouldn't play with Time Turners

"Harry, stop playing with my necklace."

"...So shiny..."

Hermione slapped Harry's hand in frustration. Hopefully soon Harry would find some other girl to annoy and thus leave her more time with Ron. Unfortunately, he thought they were all just friends and hung around like a Drooble's best bubble gum on the bottom of her shoe. Unfortunately, deprived of his shiny bauble, he now began to pay attention to the conversation.

"So... Hogsmeade..."

"Was very boring. Go away now Harry."

"That's not very nice Ron, how did you get that tear in your shirt?"

"Well it involved a long boring story about kis-I mean chatting behind the Three Brooms and getting chased by a drunk troll with one eye."

"You talked with drunk trolls?" Harry asked eagerly.

"What? No!" Ron cried indignantly.

"Here Harry," said Hermione, thrusting the Time Turner at him, "play with this."

"Oh boy, thanks!" He eagerly began twisting the little hourglass round and round.

"We really shouldn't have given him that short attention span toffee," Ron said gazing pitingly at Harry. Hermione drapped the gold Time Turner chain around his neck as well. "Wha-?"

"In case Harry actually does work it, I don't want him ending up anywhere alone," she explained.

"He's not," Ron began, "bloody hell! Harry! What are you doing?"

The common room was fading away quickly, images of students milling about flashed past their eyes until they landed with a thud in the middle of a field. The thud was what Harry needed to bring him back to sanity. He flung the Time Turner aside and turned to Ron and Hermione.

"That's the last time I ever accept candy from you Ron, you're as bad as Fred and George," Harry muttered angrily. "Where are we?"

"H-how many times did you twist the Time Turner, Harry?" Hermione asked in a shaky voice.

"I don't know! Why weren't you watching me?" Harry answered, "Hey! Ron, is that chocolate?"

"I thought you said that you would never accept candy from me!" Ron cried, hastily hiding his treat.

"Yeah we'll we're in the middle of nowhere and you owe me!"

"Really, how do you bloody think we got here?"

"Because of you!" Harry yelled.

"No, I wasn't playing with the Time Turner!" Ron yelled back.

"Yeah but I was playing with the Time Turner because of the loss of concentration candy you gave me!"

"Wait a minute, mate, Hermione actually i gave /i you the Time Turner, so maybe it's all her fault!"

"Okay, you guys," Hermione said hastily, "let's not argue until we get back. There's a simple solution to this, we just need to fast forward through time."

"How do we know how many turns though?" asked Harry, "Where is the Time Turner anyways?"

"You_ lost _it!" Ron asked, aghast.

They were on the verge of arguing again when Hermione shouted.

"Look! It's right there!" she cried.

And so it was, the Time Turner lay nestled in the grass the sunlight glinting off the gold metal. Just then a raven swooped down and picked it up before flying back. A lion, skidded to a halt where the Time Turner had been and a snake arrived seconds later. Finally, a badger poked it's head through the turf.

"I got it! I got it! I got it!" cried a witch from the other end of the field, "You owe me 20 galleons!"

"You cheated, you got a head start," roared a wizard, his voice echoing over the where Harry, Ron and Hermione stood.

"Should we go over there?" Ron asked skeptically.

"I suppose we should," said Hermione, "they have the Time Turner."

They crossed the field where a group of witches and wizards were haggling. They seemed to know each other rather well and were very intent in their argument.

"Rowena did grab it," the stout blonde witch was saying.

"Yes, but she got a head start," argued a wizard in red.

"Then you should have called it then, Godric." snapped the dark haired witch who had the raven on her shoulder. It cawed triumphantly.

"Godric, it's not worth it," said a silky voice, belonging to the fourth wizard, a slim man with a sallow complexion, "It's not worth much, the trinket. Besides, what's 20 galleons to you? You won 200 galleons off her yesterday."

"Yes, you're right Salazar," sighed Godric.

"Erm..." Harry nervously cleared his throat. The four witches and wizards turned towards the threesome.

"What have we here?" questioned Helga Hufflepuff.

"CHEATERS!" bellowed Godric, "THEY HELPED YOU, ROWENA!"

"Gryffindor! Get a hold of yourself, chap," said Salazar, "we settled that matter a moment ago."

"Sorry, that wasn't what I meant to yell anyways," Godric explained apologetically. He faced Harry, Ron and Hermione and yelled out, "INTRUDERS! YOU ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE SECRETS OF HOGWARTS, LIKE THE SECRET HIDING AREA BEHIND THE-"

"-perfect," Rowena cut in, "just go off and give them the secrets, why don't you? No one supposed to know about Hogwarts!"

"We know all about Hogwarts," Harry hastened to explain.

"You see Rowena?" Salazar put in, "They already know all about Hogwarts."

"Shall we burn them at the stake?" Helga asked eagerly, rubbing her hands together, "Its apparent they're witches."

"Wha-? NO!" Hermione cried, "You're a witch too!"

"GROUP HUDDLE!" roared Godric.

"Stop the roaring please Godric, my ears." Rowena complained.

The four witches and wizards huddled, along with Ron. After a very long discussion involving which flavors of chocolate they enjoyed the most. The group adjurned and turned to Hermione and Harry.

"Right, so down to business," Godric began, "you kids can stay the night with us because me and him," nodding to Ron, "both agree that strawberry chocolate dipped in 7 day old bread pudding is amazing."

"Here..." he continued grandly, "is our castle."

They were all silent for a moment in awe. Harry broke it, the silence, I mean, not the awe.

"That's a shack."

"You do realize that we are getting the chance of a lifetime?" Hermione asked eagerly, "to see Hogwarts in its early stages?"

"Too bad its not in _our_ lifetime," Ron replied, obviously not as impressed.

"It's a shack!" Harry was having some issues getting over the appearance of early Hogwarts. Which was really that bad, it was simply Hagrid's gamekeeper's hut, only shabbier.

"It's a castle," Godric sneered menancingly.

They entered the, erm, "castle" (tight fit) and began to have dinner, which wasn't up to the standards of present day food at Hogwarts. Conversation was pretty non-existant as Godric and Ron staged an eating contest. Harry and Salazar egging thier friends on.

"C'mon, shove the whole pie into your mouth, Ron, you can do it..."

"He shoved the pie into his mouth! Just like that! You're still on your warthog!"

"Here, drink this pudding Ron..."

"'War mah choc?"

"Your what? Oh, you chocolate, phew, for a moment there...well, nevermind. Here it is."

"Blast! Godric, he's eating all the chocalate. WITH SEVEN DAY OLD BREAD PUDDING!"

"NO-mfh." Salazar had seized the opportunity of Godric's open mouth to shove more food in. Godric glared at Ron, now it was personal, no more chocolate OR bread pudding. He ate his pie with hearty gusto.

Meanwhile, the witches chose to ignore the rather disgusting contest and talk.

"So," Hermione began brightly. It's always a very bright way to begin a conversation.

"So," Helga nodded eagerly.

"So." Rowena sighed, watching Godric lose terribly at the eating contest.

"So," Hermione said again, "how many students do you have enrolled here at Hogwarts?"

"Zero," Helga answered excitedly, "we were actually hoping you could be the first ones. The redhead suggested it during our huddle."

"Ron?" Hermione asked in disbelief, turning to look at Ron, which was a mistake as he was busily swallowing sausage whole, egged on by both Harry and Salazar. "Ron asked for lessons?"

"Yes, so you get to be the very first students at Hogw-"

BELCH!

"Ron, that was awesome."

"Yes, you ate Godric off the table."

"Hey! Salazar! You're supposed to be on my side!"

"Yes, but you have a terrible appetite."

Godric glared at Ron malevolently. Helga turned to the other founders.

"Guess what? The children have agreed to be our first students!" she told her fellow founders eagerly.

"You mean we actually have to _teach_?" Salazar asked, taken aback. "I thought we did this for tax reductions!"

"Oh, I'll teach Ron," Godric said evilly, "I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget."

_Will Godric get revenge on Ron? How will the very first lessons at Hogwarts go? Read and review please!_


	2. Why you shouldn't eat a powerful wizard ...

"Rise and SHINE!" Godric bellowed over Ron's head.

"Shut up Godric! It's only been five minutes since we lay down!" Salazar shouted grumpily.

"Oh, really? Sorry," Godric climbed back into his medieval sleeping bag and began to expand upon the evil plots he had invented for Ron.

"Rise and SHINE!" Godric bellowed over Ron's head. It had no effect however as the latter was in the sort of deep sleep provoked from eating three times your weight. However, Harry and Salazar, having only eaten a normal portion, awoke.

"Will you shut up? It's been ten minutes since you last yelled!" Salazar growled.

"Sleeping in a shack sucks," Harry commented.

"IT IS NOT A SHACK!" Godric bellowed, "IT TOOK ME TWO MONTHS TO BUILD THIS CASTLE!"

"I hate sleeping in poor architectural designs," Harry muttered.

"Chocolate to the first person who stuns him," Rowena called.

"Chocolate?" Ron asked, wide-awake at once.

"RISE AND SH—"

"_STUPEFY!_ "cried three voices in unison.

"Wait a minute," said Helga, "it really is morning."

And sure enough it was, the golden rays of sunshine mingled with the blue sky and all the inhabitants of the "castle" awoke and dressed in their splendid rags and sat to a feast conjured by the artful wand of Rowena Ravenclaw. And everyone ate happily and peacefully, while songbirds sang in the morning sun and lived happy ever after. The people I mean, not the songbirds.

"Medieval Merlin, that is the worse hangover I've ever had," Godric mumbled, stumbling into the kitchen.

Okay, so maybe not a happy ending. Godric was wearing a sour look on his face, but that changed when his eyes lit upon Ron, who was polishing off his fifth helpings. He adopted an evil grin, which doesn't work with everyone. Godric's menacing grin looked more like a clown smile, but those didn't exist back then.

"Godric, wipe that silly smile off you face, you looked like a court jester," Salazar said.

"I do not—"

"A_female_ court jester."

"Well, isn't this exciting," said Helga excitedly to quell Godric's shouts of indignation, usually when people find things exciting they talk excitedly, "our first real school day!"

"Rah rah," said Rowena despondently.

"Hey, I have an idea," Godric began, adopting once more his excuse of an evil grin, he lost it after Salazar glared at him, "How about we even the teacher/student ratio a bit by each taking one student?"

"Brilliant idea! The first grand idea of this school in fact!" cried Helga eagerly, "How about you choose first Godric?"

"NO!" said Ron, who's mouth was empty for a moment.

"YES!" crowed Godric triumphantly, "and I choose …YOU!"

"Please specify, simply crying out 'YOU' doesn't really give us any headway as to who you want to teach," Salazar said coolly.

"Alright, the ugly one!"

"Ron's not ugly! He's really cute, with his gorgeous blue eyes and –mmph!" Hermione shoved her hand into her mouth before she revealed more. Embarrassed, she quieted herself.

"Then why did you assume he meant me when he said 'the ugly one'?" asked Ron, half pleased, half indignant. Hermione didn't answer, her hand had become stuck in her mouth, which was probably for the best, she realized, she didn't trust her mouth at the moment.

"I pick the other boy," Salazar said lazily, waving his hand in Harry's direction. It's a good thing _he_ specified, as he could have meant the chicken pot pie.

"Good, then Rowena and I will take the half-wit," Helga said cheerfully. Hermione dislodged her hand from her mouth.

"I am NOT a half-wit," she cried indignantly.

"Then why did you assume they meant you?" asked Ron.

"Because no one else is left."

"Oh, yeah that…"

"Prove you're not a half-wit, what's two plus two?" Helga asked.

"Huh?"

"Blast, she got the right answer."

"Alright, Ronnie boy," Godric began as he and Ron traversed the large meadow that held the lake in modern day Hogwarts. In 'ye olde Hogwarts' however, it was simply a meadow full of flowers. "I have big plans for you."

"Grand," Ron commented dryly.

"My first big plan is……"He drew out the word dramatically, "is…………………"

"Alright, first remember that the only reason I agreed to this whole 'let's play schoolhouse' thing is because of the tax deductions, I didn't think they were actually serious," Salazar fumed to Harry, "and now I'm stuck with you."

"Yeah, I know," said Harry.

"Here I could have been playing chess with Godric."

"Yeah, I know."

"You know how to play chess?"

"Yeah, I know."

"is………………………………………………….."

"Alright, now we are going to teach YOU, the halfwit, how to build a castle for our first lesson." Helga informed Hermione.

"I am NOT a halfwit!"

"What's two plus two?"

"You asked that question the last time."

"Blast! And you got the right answer again!"

"is……………………………………"

"Get over with it already," yawned Ron.

"Alright it is……….."

"Shut up."

"Alright, you stupid girl, first you must levitate the stones," Helga explained, demonstrating with her wand.

"I am NOT a stupid girl."

"What's—"

"YOU're the stupid girl."

"Blast, you're right."

"NO! You can't make me!" cried Ron indignantly.

"Oh yes I can!"

"I won't! It's an insult to my manhood, my dignity!"

"Oh, but you will do it."

"I am NOT skipping through the meadow, picking flowers!"

"Because you defy me, I am adding an extra embarrassing punishment," Godric declared, "and that is…………………………….."

"Oh shut up and cut to the chase."

But before we cut to the chase, we must cut to before the chase.

"Knight to E4," the knight moved obediently, smashing the queen as it went, "Checkmate! I win again!"

"NO!" Salazar, in his anger, jumped up from the table and began chasing Harry.

Now let us cut away from the chase.

"That costume is about as ugly as a baby swan," Ron commented.

"Hah! Itis a _baby swan costume_," Godric said, "and _you_ have to wear it!"

"NO!"

"YES! _While_ you pick flowers!"

"NO!"

"Mwahahahahahaha!"

Cutting back to the chase:

Harry was fast, but Salazar used a magical spell to increase his own speed. He managed to run in front of Harry, and for a while Harry was chasing Salazar. Then they were chasing each other, running in a circle. Finally they collapsed and burst out laughing. Cue the "best friends" music as the reader is taken through a montage of Harry and Salazar eating ice cream together, laughing at the movies together, having a snowball fight together. Bring the reader back to reality by pointing out that none of this is possible in the spring of the Medieval Age. But Harry and Salazar did become friends, and walked down to the meadow together. At the edge, they stopped.

"What the heck is that?" Harry asked, shocked.

"That," Salazar replied, "is why you should never eat a powerful wizard under the table."

And there was Ron, doing a demented sort of skip through the meadow in a baby swan costume, picking flowers. His face burning bright red from humiliation. Every now and then he would call out threats to Godric over his shoulder, which caused Godric to hex him by turning his feathers various colors.


	3. Why you shouldn't let your friends belie...

* * *

While some people cope with embarrassment through laughter, Ron managed to cope with it through eating a lot. Unfortunately when you are out in a meadow doing you-know-what, the only edible things around are …flowers…and grass.

In fact, Harry was beginning to feel a little bit concerned about his friend.

"Um, Ron, I hate to tell you this, but you, uh…"he searched for the right word, "you look like a cow, mate."

"That would be a bull," Salazar commented, when Harry gave him a blank look, he elaborated, "A cow's mate is a bull."

"Right," said Harry, as though he understood, but he really didn't. Ron wasn't commenting, he was on all fours munching on grass. Still wearing the baby swan costume. "Don't birds eat, like, worms or something?"

"Good idea," Ron said through a mouth of daises and grass stems.

"NO! I was trying to make a point. You AREN'T a bird Ron!"

"Your right," Ron stated, his mouth empty of grass, "I'm not a bird-Ron, I'm a Ron- bird!" He flapped his arms and started running around screeching "tweet tweet".

Harry turned to Salazar, "Sally," he said, using his friend's nickname, "since you are the only somewhat sane friend available, I need your advice, what the bloody hell is wrong with him?"

"Well," said the so-called Sally, "you know how Godric hit him with those spells every time he gave him the finger…"

"…and mooned him…"

"…and spat on him…"

"Yes," Sally said, "well I think one or more of those spells affected Ron's brain."

"How so?"

"Gee, I don't know," Sally drawled sarcastically, "your friend thinks he's a bird, he's PERFECTLY sane."

"Oh, yeah, forgot about that," said Harry, "how do we fix him?"

"I'm not qualified to give this sort of advice! You know how I feel about teaching!"

"I'm asking your advice as a friend, Sally."

"Are we friends?"

"Yes, remember that montage the readers saw with all the movies/ice creams?"

"But that wasn't real," Sally sniffled.

"It helped strengthen our bond of friendship," said Harry kindly. He grabbed Sally's hand and the two of them did their secret friend handshake that involved one or two hokey pokey moves and a perfect pirouette.

"Honk, honk!" Ron (currently believing himself to be "Ron bird") broke this touching moment by running right into Harry and pecking him.

"Ouch, Ron! Gerroff!" Harry yelped, "I don't feel that way about you!" He rubbed his neck, "we REALLY need to reverse this."

"We should probably do it quickly, before Helga finds out," Sally added hastily.

"Why?"

"Because she's so 'let's play school'-ish, if she saw what happened here she would go detention crazy!"

"But Ron didn't do anything wrong!"

"Not Ron, Godric!"

"He deserves it!"

"No man deserves the punishments Helga could devise."

"Where is Godric anyways?"

The man they were speaking of was currently rolling around on the ground with laughter as "Ron-bird" began throwing himself down the hill in an attempt to fly. He laughed a bit too hard however and rolled down the hill to Harry and Salazar's feet.

"Well," he said, keeping the straightest face he could muster, "wonder what happened to him." Then his self-control broke and he burst into maniacal laughter, he had had his revenge.

* * *

"That looks very nice, Hermione!" Helga said, gazing at the building she had made, "You completed your task outstandingly! So that's the grade you get! Outstanding! Ooh! I just invented the grading system! What fun!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "You didn't invent that, that was invented by a Tibetan monk centuries ago. Well, maybe it would be a decade or two ago, but the point is, someone else invented it!"

"I need to go see this Tiberian monk," Helga fumed, "he's plagiarizing me."

"Tibetan," Hermione corrected, but it was to late, Helga waved her wand and was gone with an airy 'poof'.

"Where did Helga go?" asked Rowena, emerging from the "castle".

"Off to Tiberia, I'm afraid," Hermione sighed.

"Is that even a country?"

"No."

"Oh," Rowena paused thoughtfully, on one hand, Helga was getting annoying with the whole let's-play-school thing, but on the other hand, she was her best friend. Then she realized something, "does this mean I have to teach you?" She asked in a scandalized tone.

"No, just leave me alone while I work on the new Hogwarts." Hermione said impatiently.

"Don't speak to your teacher like that!"

"Sorry, are you willing to teach me now?"

"Not exactly, it would be best if you just gave up and went back to wherever you came from."

"For that I would need the Time-Turner."

"You're a clever witch," Rowena snapped, "find another way, I'm not giving up my prize!"

* * *

In Tiberia, Albania, Helga was looking for a certain monk. As she really didn't know the language though, she was having much luck. A street vendor stopped her, offering her something pale and slimy on a plate.

"Ooh! Native cooking!" she squealed excitedly and took a large bite.

"Yugga needda paya thata," yelled the street vendor in native Tiberian.

"What?" Helga asked innocently, devouring the disgusting dish. But she couldn't understand Tiberian and didn't really get the message until the vendor pulled out a knife. Then she decided that it really wasn't worth staying around to search for a monk and dissapparated.

* * *

"Okay, I figure if we can get Ron to eat this powder I ground up of random ingredients then use the reversing spell, we can fix him," said Salazar, showing his hand full of the powder of random ingredients.

"What does the powder do?" asked Harry, curiously.

"Absolutely nothing, but I like grinding things to help me think and it seems a shame to waste it."

"Erm…hate to interrupt," Godric mumbled, "but Ron-bird isn't here."

"What!" Salazar snapped, "where did he go?"

"Said something about a nest, and ran towards the forest."

"Crap!" Salazar exclaimed, "I'll go make more powder."

* * *

"Tweet, tweet, I am Ron-bird, who dares enter my lair?"

"Ron you're not a bird!" Harry said, looking up at Ron who was perched on a branch high up, still wearing the ridiculous baby swan costume.

"Tweet, tweet, of course I am you silly land lubber, how else do you think I got in this tree?"

"You climbed it?"

"NO, only land lubbers climb! I flew! Watch, I'll do it again!" Ron jumped up from the branch he had been sitting on and looked poised to spring.

"Look friend is obviously in emotional trauma, and you didn't help him?" Godric asked, scandalized, "If I had any hints that Salazar here was about to kill himself, I wouldn't have waited for him to climb a tree."

"You put him in this 'emotional trauma'!" Harry cried.

"Born to be free," Ron sang as the wind blew and the branch swayed, bouncing him around, "as free as the wind blows…"

"Oh bloody hell, you really are not the songbird type of bird, Ron."

"I'm not a bird-Ron, I'm a Ron-bird!"

"I vote we let him jump, he's really getting on my nerves." Salazar stated, hands over his ears to block out Ron's singing.

* * *

"So, Hermione," Rowena said, "how does this, Time-Turner thingy work anyways?"

"I'm not telling you until you give it to me!" Hermione exclaimed, "We _really_ need that! I have a feeling if my friends stay here any longer, one of them is going to go insane and think he's a bird or something weird like that." She reached for the Time-Turner in Rowena's hand, Rowena closed her fingers over it, smiling evilly.

"Tell me how it works first," she cooed, batting her eyelashes at Hermione. The latter looked taken aback.

"Are you trying to seduce me?"

"Well that's the only persuasion I've ever used to get information out of people."

* * *

"I'm going to be the first bird to fly to the MOON!"

"Okay, I with Sally now," Harry declared, clamping his hands over his ears.

"But it's just not right to let him jump," Godric argued.

"I'm not going to jump, I'm going to fly to the MOON!" sang a voice from above.

"Since when are you on his side anyways?" Salazar asked, looking Godric over critically.

"Since when are you Sally?" Godric asked.

"I've always wanted to be called that, but no one ever did, until Harry here," sniffed Sally. "Now I have to start school where they'll call me Professor Slytherin, and I'll never be Sally again."

* * *

Will the Ron-bird dilemma be fixed? Will Hermione retrieve the Time Turner before one of her friends starts to think he's a bird? Wait…that's already happened. 


End file.
